Hedgehog's Dilemma

I'll open up to the fact that, in countless ways, my past is not squeaky clean. The damn thing would probably have a rather disturbing checkered pattern on it, with the occasional blood stain and burn mark as added accent. In simpler terms, I've done a lot of awful things, and usually to people who didn't deserve any of it. Awful things, simply because they seemed like good ideas at the time. I usually knew there would be consequences, but I couldn't be bothered to, as my friend Alicia once put it, "look at the victims."

The contrast she would later point out intrigued me. I don't think about the consequences of my actions, and rarely consider the impact my decisions and my statements might have on the people around me. I never consider anything when I do a lot of things, really. Well, so long as they don't really involve whatever my mind pushes as a priority at the time the decision needed to be made. Which brings up the contrast.

I hate hurting people, and like most people, I don't enjoy getting hurt. However, the best means of avoiding both is to go against general human nature.

Which then leads us to the Hedgehog's Dilemma, which inspired the title of this post.

Hedgehogs, for the unaware, are little critters that have lots and lots of spines on them. Lots. These spines are very painful to touch, such that anything that gets too close is guaranteed to get hurt. However, being mildly social creatures (and let's not forget the need to reproduce), the hedgehogs will eventually need to get physically close. However, this poses a dilemma. By getting close to another hedgehog, one is setting one's self up for being hurt, while also risking hurting the other one. So, given the desire to avoid pain and the conflict it poses to the situation at hand, what does one do?

Human beings, as pointed out in Neon Genesis Evangelion, are in much the same situation. Human relationships are fraught with the risk of hurting someone and being hurt - frightfully, they usually go hand in hand with one another. Which leaves people seeking relationships that mean something, that result in something close, but still slightly pull away because they're afraid of committing everything and then being burned by what they've given up.

Human relationships are things that are, by nature, very dangerous. There is an inherent amount of pain in being in a relationship, and for some people, that pain outweighs whatever benefits there might be to being in one.

What does this all have to do with my past, you might ask? Plenty.

I've come to understand the nature of the hedgehog's dilemma. I've managed to somehow have an instinctive understanding of it for many, many years. Which has resulted in me simultaneously seeking out relationships with people, but also working to push them away and attempting to sabotage them from the inside. And that has result in me being hurt, but also in a lot of other people I've come to care about (even a little) to be hurt. A lot, in some cases.

I sort of feel sad thinking about that.

So what has that gotten me? Not a whole lot. I'm solidly against getting too close to people, but I tend to seek out ways to get closer to people too. I guess, in a way, I'm a perfect example of someone trapped in the hedgehog's dilemma.

Cyborg Name Decoder

My friend thinks it funny. I do too.

Get Your Cyborg Name

That's 'Captain' To You!

In celebration of the impending release of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, Captain Mei Ling:


Players who ran through Metal Gear Solid would remember those little bits of wisdom Mei Ling would spout off whenever you saved your game. It took me a long, long while, but I think I finally got most of them down.

"You must cross the river before you tell the crocodile he has bad breath."
"Nought's had, all's spent, where our desire is got without content."
"He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough."
"Friendly counsel cuts off many foes."
"If there are more wolves, the people are eaten; if there are more people, the wolves are eaten."
"The cautious seldom err."
"It is better to live ugly than die beautiful."
"When walking through a melon patch, don't adjust your sandals."
"He who is firm in will molds the world to himself."
"Solitude sometimes is best society, and short retirement urges sweet return."
"The proud man does not eat rotten meat even when hungry, nor steal water from another's well when he thirsts."
"Once the fox gets his nose in, he'll soon find a way to make his body follow."
"It is the strong swimmer who most often drowns."
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still aflying, this same flower, that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying."
"Rashness brings success to few, misfortune to many."
"The snake, knowing itself, strikes swiftly."
"Win in any way you can. Nice guys finish last."
"I'll fight, till from my bones my flesh be hack'd, give me my armour."
"War he sung, is toil and trouble; honour but an empty bubble."
"The graveyards are full of indispensable men."
"The mind cannot be in two places at once."
"Oh, it is excellent to have a giant's strength, but it is tyrannous to use it like a giant."
"The tongues of dying men enforce attention, like deep harmony."
"The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions."
"Wise men ne'er sit and wail their loss, But cheerily seek how to redress their harms."
"Come, what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest day."

Maybe? Could Be? Nah, Probably Not.

I read this somewhere once. "Money can't buy you happiness, but somehow, love can."

Personally, I thought this was rubbish. Until just recently.

So now, I'm starting to wonder...

Last Days In The Trenches

Today is officially the last working day that I am among Ascend Asia's rank and file content writers. No, I haven't done something that would get me fired. On the contrary, I've somehow managed to get myself roped into being, of all things, promoted. For me, this is both a good and bad thing.

This is a good thing because more money is coming to me. Money is always a good thing to have more than adequate amounts of. Between my constant upgrading process for my black deck and my "still in construction" white/green deck (that is designed to directly oppose the black deck on many levels and mirror it on others), not to mention the latest addition to my laptop collection, Kaguya, and the new PDA I plan to buy sometime after the next few months, I estimate that I'm going to need a much larger cash flow than I have now.

Yeah, pretty much money is the only real positive I see about this.

The first thing I worried that I'd lose when my promotion becomes official, however, is time. I have never been one to willingly and consistently sacrifice time. I can donate money. I can donate some bits of my unusual wisdom. I can lie about my understanding other people's problems and donate my sympathy and empathy. However, I do not like the idea of having to donate time. Much less sacrifice it.

And damn it, sacrificing my time is likely going to be the first thing that I end up doing if certain people don't shape up and certain conventions are not...restored to their proper state. Unfortunately, despite being promoted, I am rapidly becoming certain that I still do not have the administrative power needed to correct the glaring mistake I see in how things are being done by the day shift writers, and it sickens me. Mainly because, for as long as this is done, I'm bound to not only have to deal with it, but also end up sacrificing my time for it.

Naturally, I want to expect them to be willing to sacrifice their own time, but I know this aspect of their behavior well. They'd be more willing to leave the work (and whoever is handling the editing) hanging because they've got somewhere to go than live up to their responsibilities. I know I'm not the perfect, work-work-work employee, but for the love of Cthulhu, I at least know how to finish on time despite distracting myself from my work. My day shift co-workers, clearly, do not. Until they can finish everything within the shift, I'm afraid that I'm going to be spending a lot more time with Sumire (my PC at work, which I have decided to name such).

Maybe I can fix this, but that's unlikely. The person that's higher in rank than me (in practice, but not on paper) is just as likely to condone the offending practice as the others are to continue it, regardless of who's in charge. She's a capable enough person on her own to handle all the duties, and she has a good head between her shoulders, but I'm almost certain she'll simply be too lenient to do anything about the problem. This leniency, of course, will just encourage them to continue it.

The worst, most sickening part of this? I know that these bastards can actually get things done. Even get things done early. It happened once before, when they had no choice but be under my watch. Sure, the requirements then were half of what are required now, but come on. If I can do it, and I'm not even trying, why can't they?

Given the chance, I'd be more than happy to do what I have to in keeping them in-line. I'm no big fan of Intellicrap policies regarding backlog work and variances, but I'm also a creature of practicality. I'm not about to refuse the use of a working tool to improve the performance of the whole, no matter how much I dislike the tool itself. I'd hate to have to end up feeling like I have no choice but to suggest the most rigid, draconian of measures be implemented, either. I only hope that things never come to that.

But these are just my worries. We'll see how things work out when it actually comes. I'm not hoping for the best, but I am preparing for the worst.

On another note, I am now experiencing what I think is being on the wrong side of a one-sided interest of the possibly romantic variety. I find this sensation...slightly disarming.

No, I'm not talking about this.

I Buy Sushi

Some may get the subtle reference/joke that is the title of this post. Most won't.

Anyway, a vaguely entertaining weekend just passed me by. I managed to snag a copy of Warriors Orochi for the PC, and spent a few hours or so in hack-and-slash fun. Sure, it isn't the deepest, most engaging plot in the world, but right now, I need less thinking, more killing in my games. Doesn't help that the female characters of the game are just so darn cute sometimes. Mildly annoyed by how hard it is to complete everything in the game, though. Not to mention how disturbing it is to notice that the lines of spoken dialog seem to suffer from an ungodly delay, which can seriously be detrimental to completing some of the tasks. Still, the game is repetitive but fun overall. Definitely a nice game to break in my new laptop, Kaguya, with.

I also discovered that, after many years of loyal service and hours of fun, my time-worn copy of Baldur's Gate II is now officially dead. The "redundant cycle check" problem, not to mention some scratches here and there from years of abuse, have finally taken their toll. The prospects of me finding another copy anytime soon are rather low, which is sad, really. Sure, I don't play the game as often as I used to back when I first got it, but I delve into the Forgotten Realms and install it every now and again for a few hours. Or when there's a new mod that I'm interesting in trying out. This would not have been a problem had I kept a clean install somewhere, but I neglected to do that after formatting my older laptop, Sakura, who had been suffering from some hard drive problems.

Yesterday, me and the family also went to Manila Ocean Park. Lots of fish, which is good. Lots of people, which is bad. And sharks, which is just beautiful. I am mildly disappointed that there wasn't much in terms of variety. There weren't any truly exotic species there, either, but I guess that is understandable. Still, the place had sharks (including my favorites, the black-tip reef shark) and rays, so I'm not that disappointed.

Pictures!