Questions, Questions

Sometimes, there are just some days that really, really don't feel right. There's nothing wrong and nothing particularly out of the ordinary happens and such but somehow, you can't shake that annoying, gnawing sense of something being out of place, of the Force being just slightly out of balance one way or another. Almost instinctively, you just know something is up. Maybe not at your end of the world but somewhere it is...

Take, for example, my 03-21-2006 shift. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, personal or call-wise. Sure, a few strange comments and odd names dropped here and there but that's not unusual for me, especially after my run in Circuit City (which I dearly miss the good parts of, the bad parts seem to be consistent throughout any account/call center/company). Funny thing is that, regardless of how ordinary and run-of-the-mill the day was, I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. I just couldn't quite put my finger on it but I had the strangest feeling something was up, that this whole day wasn't what it seemed. I've had days like that back in Circuit City, where everything was fine, simple and clean but I felt that something just wasn't right, something didn't flow. But, of course, that's a pointless discussion. I can't make heads or tails of it, really, so no point trying to drag it out since that would be an exercise in futility to write and repetitively dull to read.

A rare, rare few of you will recall an odd philosophical question I posed once. For those who don't, allow me to repeat it: What can change the nature of a man? (Taken from Planescape: Torment)

I've been mulling over that since before PS:T but when posed upon The Nameless One, I was suddenly re-inspired to try and figure out an answer to it. It's one of 2 questions of that nature that I honestly think the absolute, single, correct answer doesn't exist. It can vary from one to another, when you really think about it.

For example, I once came upon the possible answer of 'Regret'. It made sense at the time. A man with the weight of a missed opportunity or the sins of the past on his shoulders would likely be driven to an extreme change in his personality, his very nature. It happened before, with St. Augustine (if the records of the Catholic Church can be believed on the matter) and I've seen it happen, albeit on rare moments, in people that I know personally. It does happen and regret can make a person change but not often and for every case of it happening, there are more where even a world of regret doesn't. There are many with more than a lifetime's worth of regrets but none come close to even the slightest change. 'Regret' works for some but not all.

So that got me thinking on something else: 'Power'. Certainly, the old adage on power is true. Power does corrupt but corruption depends upon something that is already within the person corruption draws it out and enriches it. Corruption does not change a person, it merely brings out the worst in that person and magnifies it almost to the point of making them seem like a completely different person. Power can magnify what's already in a person but it doesn't change a person. It cannot be held responsible for changing the fundamental nature of a person's mind or his nature.

'Love' perhaps? Certainly, if there are a number of anecdotes and quotes on power and how it changes people, there are even more for love. It is certainly one of the most powerful emotions out there, if not the most powerful (and it is, by some standards). But does love truly change a person? Sure, people's behavior changes as they try to become what they think the object of their affection wants or is looking for but deep down, they are still who they are and their nature is fundamentally unchanged. Given a suitable situation, their true colors will emerge time and again. While love can undoubtedly get a man to change his behavior, maybe even his habits, can it get him to change his basic nature? Behavior can be very different from one's nature, if you've been analyzing (or in my case: overanalyzing) this sort of thing long enough on a lack of sleep.

Personally, I find this an incredibly intriguing question. Although, as my train of thoughts here shows, I do not really believe that there is one, clear, absolute answer to the question posed. In the end, like the answers to the questions ‘Who are you?’ and ‘What do you want?’ it comes down to the individual’s own circumstances, flaws and points of polish. There is no single, all-confirming answer. It will vary. Or maybe there is an answer but that I haven’t thought of it yet or haven’t heard it yet. A lifetime is a long span of time and I’ve only begun to scratch the length of it in seeking The Answer.

Che, a friend (not a particularly close friend since I’m not really close to most of the people at my current workplace but a friend) has been going through some stressful times lately. I won’t go into the gory details because I don’t have all of them and even if I did, I won’t disrespect her privacy by divulging them all here. Let her do that on her own, if she wants. Suffice to say, I could clearly tell that the guy she’s with isn’t worth the trouble that he’s putting her through, not to mention completely undeserving of her. Che’s a nice girl, very upbeat, very charming and definitely deserving of better treatment that what she’s been getting from him. I’d be irate over this if I hadn’t seen it so much before that it really doesn’t strike me as enraging or anything of the sort. I firmly believe Che should make a move and let him go without any sugar-coating or softening of the blow and I advised her to take someone with her when she does, if only to serve as her back-up since I can tell that she’s taken an emotional beating out of it and she’ll need someone there for her when it all comes crashing down.

Now, another friend (same general degree of closeness as Che) Shobe is having problems of her own. This situation I know even less details of and that gives me an even worse position to try to view the problem as objectively as possible. I’m not really even sure of what her problem is about, to be frank.

Then there’s the vagueness of the problem that I see with the one closest to me in my current place of work, Grace. I don’t quite see what the problem is but I can tell that it’s there and it’s affecting her more than she’s letting on. I suppose I don’t really know her that well but I can see there’s something wrong with her life outside of work, something that I can’t place and therefore, can’t help her out with. Frankly, the most I can offer is to be with her while she’s drinking herself into a stupor – which she seems to want more and more with each passing day. While I know the grim, dark humor-ish words and sentences she drops here and there can be alarming if you take them all in that context, I try to shrug them off as just effects of what she’s going through. I’m really hoping that she clears that up soon, for her sake.

All of this has given me a sudden realization: the girls I’m closest to always seem to be the problematic, so-damn-depressed-their-considering-doing-something-stupid kind. Why, there was Nina with problem of having a mother and mother’s side of the family that doesn’t seem to care about her, father that’s good-for-nothing-but-target-practice and the least of her worries, her education and finances. I felt closer to her than anyone else before her. I didn’t really feel very close to anyone back in my college days or in my Vocativ (or whatever the Hell it’s called now) days or even TeleTech. The people I met there are people I consider friends but, admittedly, the people from my degree in ollege aren’t the kind of people I’d like to spend long periods of time with if I had much of a choice. Initially, they were but after a while, the differences just wore on and on. Vocativ people I trust, I value them and I really felt bad having to leave the company and my buddies there. Of course, the latest in the list of girls with problems is Grace of Ambergris. It seems like the worse the problem the girls have, the closer I feel to them and the closer we become as friends. And in Grace’s case, people even have the silly little notion that we have chemistry, as insipidly stupid (Saminga is smart enough to realize that there isn’t chemistry between us) as that idea is.

Then again, even within my Ambergris batch, Factions is subtly worming about. The cracks have appeared and, even at this stage, the roots of internal groups have appeared. There’s an obvious, tight-knit (or seemingly so) group that’s clear to see but there’s a bit of misconception of who’s in it and who’s not in it. There are other groups but I don’t think they’ve formed a solid enough connection to be seen as a Faction within a Faction like the previously mentioned group. However, the formation of two more sub-Factions emerged with the assignment of Team Captains and there are a couple of us that believe we’ve somehow ended up with the wrong one – one of us thinking it more recently than others. Of course, I’m adaptive and I try to get along as best I can with everyone, almost as if I was an Impudite of Factions…tempting thought, that. I haven’t RP’ed in a while and IN is always good for getting back to that old vice.

And of course, that project based on call center life and times is still coming along…

Currently:

Listening To: Kiss ‘Psycho Circus’ (the album), Vanessa Mae ‘The Art of War’

Looking For: Alice Cooper ‘Welcome to My Nightmare’, Fatal Frame II: Crimson Butterfly soundtrack, V for Vendetta soundtrack

Downloading: random tracks from the Legend of Dragoon and Lunar series soundtracks