Lunamaria Hawke.

Nothing much to cover today. Just thought I'd post a couple of pics of a fairly recent favorite anime girl of mine: Lunamaria Hawke. Very attractive, if a little dense at times and with poor taste in men. Seriously, Gundam Seed Destiny wasted her as a character. Still, doesn't take away from the fact that she's probably one of 2 reasons to actually watch the damn show.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

The Good, The Bad And The “Ugly”

Aside from being the title of a movie, the above also seems an apt description of life in general and a disturbingly accurate summary of my life at the moment in specific. Let me give it a break down for the rare, rare few who actually bother to read this...

The Good:

On 06/07/2006, I had a good day. I had dinner and a movie with someone special to me. Now, for a few weeks now, I've been contemplating the possibility (faint though it may be) that I have fallen in love. After that much contemplation, I have come to a realization that I (and she, if she ever finds out about this whole convoluted mess I've woven for myself) can live with. Firstly, I'm not in love with her. She is special to me, that is true. By special, I mean that she can and does mean a lot more to me than most other people I know. This requires a bit more background on the nature of how I relate to people in my life to fully understand, so here it goes:

I don't know if it is conscious or not but I tend to make an effort to become the forgettable guy, the guy who's not quite outside the group but not quite in it either. Halfway between an outsider and the average Joe, so to speak. However, when someone is special to me, I consciously make an effort to try and make a mark in their lives: the kind of mark that lasts. I don't want most people to remember me when I'm not in regular contact anymore and I seriously think I am a truly forgettable person. But when someone is special to me, I want them, need them to remember me since I know I will be remembering them.

Special, of course, does not always mean I've fallen in love with them. It simply means they mean a lot to me and their well-being is something I treat as valuable as my own, depending on the situation at hand. I take great pains to get close to them, understand them and at times, even take the hits and misses of their lives as my own. Almost like the assimilation process of Star Trek's The Borg but not quite. It means I care about them to a degree that I reserve only for them and for no one else outside of my blood-family (and even in my blood-family, there are people I care less about than I do about Grace but that's a different story). Sadly, however, this sort of relationship is difficult to explain. I've theorized it requires someone to actually experience it to fully grasp what it feels like.

The minds of other people don't seem willing to accept the fact that she and I are very, very close but that I'm not interested in her that way. For them, a guy and a girl that are that close to one another must be in some sort of romantic link with one another or at the very least, there is a one-sided love hidden in the wings. But that is not the case, even though for a bit I let that idea get into my head. She is one of the very few bright spots in my life at the moment and I intend to do what must be done to keep it that way; to keep the status quo of our friendship while doing what I can to improve the status quo of the side of her life I can only hear about but never really touch upon.

With the background bits done, I am quite pleased that I got to spend some time alone with her. As I have said, she's one of the few bright spots in my life that are left since I began working here. Rare moments spent with those rare individuals who touch your life in some way are to be cherished.

So yes, 06/07/2006, despite the lack of sleep and the fact that work sucked afterwards, was quite a good day. Yes indeed, a very good day.

Here's me hoping to have another one next pay day.

The Bad:

In simple terms, work has sucked the life out of me. In less simple terms...well, this involved a bit of enumeration on my part.

First: The nightmares of my slumber have ceased to manifest and this terrifies me for their loss means a loss of my creativity, my drive to weave words and thoughts into dissonant but lovely notes in the twisted symphony of the human soul.

Second: The knowledge that I have ruthlessly pursued and grasped through the years I feel is slowly being chipped away by the idiocy and the monotony of the work. My intelligence is fading with every day that passes and I can feel most of it emptying into an abyss of endless complaints and ceaseless whining of things that they are too lazy or too stupid to take the time to figure out for themselves that it is their fault and simply expect someone else to fix it for them.

Third: I am seriously beginning to doubt my insanity. No, I did not just make an error there. I really am doubting my insanity since this job...is enough to make a sane man mad and thus, it also makes a mad man into a sane one.

Fourth: Where once I had a balance of Yin and Yang, now my Yang is fading. Without the chaos of Yang, the law of Yin is taking over my psyche and I am becoming predictable, static and unable to fully create anything without something in my head cutting it off almost before I start. I have lost my chaos, the chaos I require to feed my creative energies to write. With Yin taking precedence, my ability to analyze things has increased but at the sacrifice of many other aspects of my personality. The saddest part of this is that it isn't even my rules, my order that the Yin aspect is enforcing into my mind. The Yin is enforcing the thrice god-damned company's.

Fifth: I hate my job. No further explanation needed.

The Ugly:

X-Men: The Last Stand and the remake of The Omen.

X3 because it was a waste of a perfectly good franchise and I am seriously disappointed in the fact that the only concrete sighting of a Sentinel was a disembodied head and that the scriptwriters never called for any of the X-Men villains other than Magneto and some minor ones. What? No En Sabah Nur? No Mister Sinister? Disappointing. I expected more of what is supposed to be the last X-Men movie. It has merit and it is a good movie, just disappointing in what they decided to leave out.

The Omen remake because it sucks. None of the creepiness of the original. Barely average movie.

Moving on then, this is funny.

Economics of the world in simple term

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone
reporting the actual numbers.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a
danger to mankind.
You wage war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and
milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called COWKIMON and market them
worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

MALAYSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You slaughter one for Hari Raya Puasa and the other for Hari Raya Haji.
Just before that, both the cows were wandering along the PLUS Highways.

PHILIPPINE ECONOMICS
You have only one cow.
So the government claims there is a shortage of cows.
The government ask grants from other countries so the country can produce more cows.
The other countries oblige.
The government divides the grants among themselves, and blames the opposition of corruption.
The people stage People Power 42.
The government is overthrown.
Then its back to the single cow.

Of Love And Suicide

Two things have come recently into focus for me. Firstly, I may actually be falling in love. Second, it seems to me that all of a sudden, suicide doesn't feel like such an unpleasant thing anymore. So, in yet another random rant, let me boil down my thoughts on the two topics that have recently occupied my twisted little mind.

***Of Love And Suicide***

I think I'm in love.

Note the key there, folks: think. Of course, there is really no way to tell if one truly is in love, is there? No, not from what I've seen. Still, the mere fact that the way I feel about her is different from the way I feel about everyone else I know and have known is something I find intriguing. She's more than just special to me, that much I am certain of. A lot of girls have been special to me over the years and I certainly wasn't in love with then; they were just more to me, they meant something a little bit more to me that others. But this girl...this girl is different. I've never, ever allowed anyone in my whole life that much leeway with me, I'd never even considered letting anyone stretch the limits of my patience and my faculties the way she does.

Do I have feelings for her? Definitely I do. Am I in love with her? I honestly can't tell. That is one of those things that, for all the mental prowess I am supposed to possess, I have always been unable to really know. I can figure out almost any problem and provide a solution acceptable and advantageous to all given enough time to investigate and enough room to maneuver the solution into but for matters of my own heart, I'm running on empty. Not that I can't take someone else's situation, make sense of it in situations that they can't and present them with an honestly objective perspective and option based solely on what I've been told but I can't seem to do the same for my own. Naturally, it is a little difficult to maintain a clear head and natural objectivity when dealing with emotions that are yours because they're so much closer to you; the fact that you're the one who is feeling them makes them disruptive of any attempt at logical analysis.

The light at the end of this tunnel, however, is the fact that I may find clarity in my question soon. I have stayed on a job, in a company that I find to be disturbingly dull and is stressing me out to the point that I feel as if I might become sane (I rather enjoy insanity, thank you very much) because she's there. I think I'm starting to lose touch with my own natural skepticism about other people's motives and actions when they're relating to her and random, odd questions that I'd normally just brush off and dismiss as whatever seems to be either appropriate or convenient at the time I actually bother thinking up a solid answer to when she asks. Sure, there are the few minutes of “What the fuck?” that run through my end, followed by a few more minutes of pondering her motivations for asking such a question and whether or not she's drunk but eventually, I get around to actually answering it. The thought of dismissing them as just a nuisance doesn't even cross my mind. Definitely out of character for me. That alone should tip me off that something isn't right with me when concerning matters that involve Her.

Well, if I ever find out the answer to this question, I'll be sure to spill the beans here. Not that anyone even bother to read this garbage, anyway, so I don't have any problem with it.

Oh, on a final note about this: I suggest listening to “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada. It suits my current perception of what I feel, not to mention I've only now gotten some sort of deeper appreciation for the lyrics (specifically, the chorus).

Everytime we touch

I get this feeling

Every time we kiss

I swear I'm alive

Moving on to the second matter: suicide. I have never been suicidal before. I've thought about it, pictured it in my head but never thought of actually applying it. Coward's way out and all that. But now? Now is a different matter. My current work is really, really wearing away at my sensibilities. I have even started contemplating which would be the most efficient way of doing it given my current available materials. Chemical over-doses don't work all the time and, frankly, it looks like it takes a while and you have the time to re-think your decision. Naturally, having a phone nearby provides a way out in such a situation. Jumping off a building doesn't do that. Pulling the trigger of a gun is an interesting option since you really do have a near-indefinite amount of time to think things through. That is, until you pull the trigger. Then there's no turning back, is there?

Now, suicide isn't something new to me. However, the recent development in my case is that death no longer seems so daunting a thought. In fact, the idea of dying almost seems pleasant. Mind you, I still do not find it a welcome one but the release it brings is oh so pleasant an idea right now. Release from the stress, from the monotony, from the demands, from the pressure, from the high levels of sanity-inducing ennui, from my own emotional confusion. It feels more like being free from all the burdens and aches and expectations that the world, that society, that family and even yourself place on your shoulders. Expectations that seem both reasonable and yet, at the same time, unreasonable enough to make you believe the world is conspiring to ensure your failure and the sad part is that part of you is in on the whole deal. To quote the song: I'm losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. No, I'm not about to kill myself just yet. There are things that still have to be done, things I cannot bear to leave undone or worse yet, not even started. Not to mention the people I'd leave behind, even though in about six months, none of them will even remember me since I'm not exactly the type of person that makes an impact on other people's lives. I'm quite the forgettable person, to be honest. A few months of no contact and people won't even remember my name, even if I suddenly pop back into their life and remind them.

Somehow, Blink 182's song “Adam's Song” seems so fitting for my current state of mind.

I never thought

I'd die alone

I laughed the loudest

Who'd have known?

On a note related to the above topics, I've just come to a realization:

The closer we become as friends, the more depressed I become because it means the further I get from becoming what part of me thinks I want to be to her. And the more depressed I become, the more I want to get close to her because, as a friend, she's the person I know I can trust most to give me what I need when I'm down.

Oh bitter, bitter, masochistic cycle...

May not make sense to you but it does to me.

Now, I have to get going to contemplate my next move in this chess game…

Oh. Pretty, isn't she?