Another day, another failed application. Daksh this time. You’d think I’d be steering clear of the god-damned call center industry after what happened the first time around but no. I just had to stick it out and go for another one – and another. Doubtful that I’ll get anywhere though. Unlike most of my peers who’ve failed or have been rejected, I was demoralized long before I got fired. Home environment, you see.
About the only support structure I have is from my friends. My brother continually calls me an idiot, stupid and other such. I know better than to take him seriously but there are times when you hear something so often you begin to wonder if it’s right and you’re wrong. And of course, there’s my parents. Some support structure I’ve got there. It’s always been the same with them: they’re right, I’m wrong. Even when I’m right. Everything is my fault. Everything is my mistake. Everything is my screw-up. They pull me down faster than anything else I can imagine. I’ve been demoralized from an early age and frankly, no amount of rejections or failures can really get to me any more than the sheer amount of psychological trauma and demoralization I get from my parents.
Not once in my life did I get any acknowledgement for anything I’ve done. I graduate from high school. They say it’s because of the low standards of the school and that I should have gone to UST. I graduate college. They’re not proud of that fact, they’re disappointed because I had to move from one school to another and that my previous school had a better reputation. I write a short story that gets praise from some scriptwriter on ABS-CBN. They tell him it’s a fluke, that I have no talent. I write fiction. They tell me I’m wasting my time and that I’m never going to write anything worth reading or even worth all the effort I put to it. I show them test results on my I.Q. test that show I’ve got a (supposedly) superior intellect. They immediately react by saying something’s wrong with the test.
No support, no help, not even the slightest hint of encouragement. Not even once did I hear them say ‘I could do it’ or even lie about me being right and them being wrong. Just a single lie along those lines and I’ll be happy. But no. The cold reality is that they think I’m useless, worthless and if I manage to land a job it’ll be because I got lucky and not because I’m actually qualified for the job.
Tough thing, being a ‘dependent’ without anyone to depend on. Sure, materially speaking they provide but the lack of encouragement, the lack of any real, concrete faith in me and my skills isn’t there. It never will be there, not even when I do something that even they can’t find a way to dispute or put down or pin down to circumstance and luck. They’ll never stop nagging me about how it’s taking me a month or a month and a half to get a job, not factoring in that there are thousands of other applicants and so few openings that I’ll be lucky just to get called in for an interview, let alone make it to the final interview (which I’ve pulled off every single time I got called in). No way, it’s always something wrong with me because, to them, the circumstances are perfect. I’m just a big screw-up.
Can’t really live with them. Can’t live without them either. Sucks to be me.
[gripe ends here]
Moving on then, because I don’t want to linger on the negative even if everything in my life is pretty negative, save for a few rare bright spots.
Project Updates:
Charity, A Vampire’s City – going along nicely. Finishing up second section, moving on to third. Still lacking any over-all sense of the theme but it’s still early, still got time to work it in. Considering using third scene to expand on another character, rather than keep it to Regina, Constance and Trish.
The Da Benjie Code – first part completed. Working on second part now. That should be done a lot faster than the first, since the second is filled with things I’m good at. I have no plans of making it really long. Keep this one short, clean, precise.
Requiem – a still not fully developed idea. Hammering out the details of how it’s going to work is proving difficult but a few things I’m certain of are: 1) the lead is a succubus [for those of you who don’t know what a succubus is, it is a type of demon associated with taking on the form of a beautiful young woman, seducing men and stealing their souls, though older Christian myths claim that they also have sex with sleeping men to steal their sperm, then transform into a male form, known as an incubus, and use the stolen sperm to fertilize a woman and spawn a half-demon child] 2) there will be heavily implied but never graphically described sex, considering the nature of the lead 3) there’s going to be violence 4) the lead is most definitely going to be bisexual, though her main preference is for men and finally 5) she’s going to own a bookstore that specializes in finding translated copies of rare tomes on demons, the occult and sorcery that supposedly don’t exist. Bad thing is that I’m not sure what to make it about yet and I don’t even know what the lead’s name is going to be yet.
And finally, my mouse still insists on double-clicking by itself.
Late Edit: Maia Lee (from Singapore Idol) is really attractive, in that bad-but-good girl sort of way. Must find pictures of her. Or buy FHM Singapore's May 2005 issue and just take pictures of them. Yes.
Yes.
For No Good Reason, I Give You This:
Major Pain: Godzilla is rising up out of the ocean and you think they should do something besides evacuating the cities?
BBC: Of course. You must mobilize the army and get your ineffective armor units to the front. Once they have proved useless you advance your electro ray gun tanks which only piss Godzilla off. After that you send in the air force to allow the big guy to use his radioactive fire breath. Once Godzilla has made it past the final set of high tension electrical lines you start evacuating. Not one second before.
And now, I leave you with this quote:
"The Earth is degenerating today. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer obey their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast appoaching." - Assyrian Tablet, c. 2800 BCE
Sound kinda familiar, folks?
I’ve realized I got some bad, bad habits when it comes to my writing. Almost everyone I’ve talked to at length about my writing thinks writing is some sort of mystical process, that you have to write down on paper with a black ink pen while listening to Beethoven or Mozart or some other classical composer. They all seem to think of a lot of mystical, almost magical mumbo-jumbo and superstition has to be attached. To a degree, I can almost say they’re right. I, for one, know I’m highly superstitious about certain things as concerns my writing.
I admit that a lot of people think the best way to write is with a pen and paper. I won’t dispute that belief but I’ve never trusted the pen and paper medium. I don’t trust myself with a pen and paper, something about it doesn’t feel right to me. I use it when I have to but I’d much rather have it down on some digital format, pressing keys with my fingers through a desktop or laptop or with my thumbs on my cellular phone or Treo.
Most of the time, I write on a Compaq Presario M2000. Sure, there are better laptops out there but I think I got a good thing going with mine. It’s got enough storage for all the countless pictures and wallpapers I obsessively collect, a CD-Writer with a combo DVD drive for watching movies or making back-ups. I’m indebted to the USB drives that makes it so simple for me to make copies of my unfinished and finished stories on my old friend, a 256 MB flash drive that also incidentally contains the HTML back-ups of my site and my collection of books in various electronic formats. And, for the life of me, I can’t imagine using a laptop without a mouse, so I’m happy with the USB optical that I got for free with the Presario.
On the same table as the Presario, I’ve got a small platform that should serve as a place to put the printer on but instead, it’s used as a platform for a China Airlines Boeing 737 aircraft model, a defunct alarm clock and a telephone hooked up to the phone line tied around one of the table’s legs. Incidentally, I take that connection out whenever I need to plug my laptop in to connect to the internet, which is more often than I’d like. I’d rather have a DSL or wireless connection but I can’t afford the DSL payments and, frankly, I don’t trust wireless internet connections. I don’t have nearly enough software or hardware to protect my laptop from those sorts of things.
Beside the laptop table is another table, my defunct and hardly-ever used study table. Not that there’s anything there related to studying. Aside from a wooden cabinet I use to house PC CDs and a collection of VCDs and DVDs, the box for my Treo, a yellow and navy blue backpack, my wallet and a bunch of scattered wires and doo-dads, the space is nearly empty. However, I do have an increasing tendency to put glasses of water or some other beverage on it, right beside my Nokia 5210 and Treo 650.
And right beside the laptop? A TV that’s set normally on Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel whenever my kid brother’s around, on HBO, Fox News or the Discovery Channel when I’m alone or simply turned off whenever I feel like listening to some music. I don’t have a particular genre of music I like, having a playlist that has Limp Bizkit, Evanescence, Aerosmith, Live On Release, the full soundtrack of Final Fantasy VIII, several tracks from the Legend of Dragoon OST, a bunch of old love songs, Sinatra, a little Elvis, most of the soundtrack of the Phantom of The Opera, several anime themes and video game tracks included. I have developed a preference for listening to instrumental tracks lately, particularly the FF8 OST and some choice picks from Soul Calibur.
I’ve been known to sit in front of my laptop and write for hours on end – close to twelve hours once. Then I’d edit half or more of it out the next day because I figured out it didn’t exactly fit in with the rest of the environment of the story. Painful thing, that. Completing the most riveting conversation I’ve ever written and then suddenly writing it out because the character that the protagonist was speaking to didn’t fit in with my plans and would likely end up as cannon fodder later on just for me to find a way to get rid of him.
Anyway, moving on to other things then. Contrary to my expectations after putting up the last update, I’m still working on the same two projects that I was last time. First, The Da Benjie Code is still in progress, now at roughly a little over 10 pages, being written out mostly on my Treo since its being worked on in short quips and it doesn’t require the same flow that my fiction does. As for A Vampire Named Constance, it’s still in progress but I’ve taken the liberty of re-naming it after the fictional city that it’s set in – Charity, A Vampire’s City. Constance is still the lead but I’ve decided to add more to it and I’m sure the conflict (aside from Gustav’s Catholic vampires and Nikki’s hedonist vampires) will pop up soon enough. I’m a little more inspired as of recent days, thanks to my buddies at Wave 3.3 surviving, none of them getting the ax last Friday.
Currently Playing:
Dino Crisis 2 (PC version)
“All hope renounce, ye lost, who enter here…”
I swear, a sign with those words should be placed on top of the door to That Place. Today be Judgment Day once more for those who survived the first elimination round. I dare say it’s going to get harder from here on end for them and while I’d like to say I can feel that they’ll all somehow make it through to the end, I can’t. Along the way, their numbers will be cut down and those found not good enough cast out into the biting cold. Nevertheless, the ones of Wave 3.3 that made it are nothing it not survivors. They’ll make it. Of the lot of them, I feel assured of four specific people who’ll stick it out to the end: Natski, Rami, Nestor and Thea. Of the others, I am in varying degrees of certainty and uncertainty. A risky thing I am doing, speaking out like this. Still, it’s a free country and I can saw (for the most part) what I like.
Good luck today to Wave 3.3! Even though I’d love to see all of you again, I hope not to see any of you at HR signing your clearances or getting your separation pay. That won’t be a good thing.
Anyway, on to more pleasant things.
Project updates first, then. Because, truth be told, my mind is about as fickle and as unpredictable as the weather on this matter. What I’m writing and determined to finish one moment is different from the next.
The Da Benjie Code – work in progress. Stuck at about 8 pages, cover page included. This little deranged guide to life is coming along nicely enough. Just enough good sense in it to make it a worthwhile read, just enough of the WTF factor to derive any level of seriousness from it. Add a touch of what I call Wonka-logic and you’ve got yourself the most complex in-joke Wave 3.3 will ever have and something outsiders likely won’t get.
A Vampire Named Constance – blame Vampire: The Masquerade and Vampire: The Requiem (the tabletop RPG versions) for this one. Still in the early stages, I haven’t fully finished creating the characters – not even the lead, Constance – nor am I satisfied with the fictional city of Charity I’ve set up as their stage. The idea has intrigued me enough to work on it for some foreseeable amount of time which, judging from projects past, is a good thing.
Angel of Temptation – a re-working, re-tooling and expanding of my old short story. It always did deserve a better treatment than I gave it. Still quite early on in the planning stages, I’m debating with myself whether to focus my attention on the choice made at the end by Marcus (which, coincidentally, I never really wrote nor decided upon) or at the traumatic existence lived by Nicolette. For the time being, this is lurking in my head. As soon as I finish either of the above projects (or abandon them, as the case may be) I’ll start drafting for this one.
Now, onto my work prospects.
Applied to BiometriX, Ambergris, Peoples Support and Lufthansa. That makes it 3 call centers, 1 airline. Someone referred me to Daksh as well and they’ve at least called for a phone interview. I think I stand a decent chance of making it in there, though I’d prefer Lufthansa or Ambergris. I don’t know why either, so don’t ask. If I’m desperate enough, I’ll apply to Convergys (again) despite my friend Thea’s counsel against it. I suppose I could try and pass off one of my finished works as a novel, try to get it published but there’s no money in that apart from the initial check. It’s a 5 year wait for most and I don’t have 5 years to wait. Theoretically, I could write for a newspaper or magazine or something but articles were never my forte. I need to find work and fast. Though my morale isn’t what it was before, I’m moving on now. I just want to get the money as soon as possible.
What’s next? My gaming?
That’s a rather empty scene at the moment. Re-finished Final Fantasy VIII for the PC. Halfway through Final Fantasy Tactics Advance on a GBA emulator. Considering starting another Baldur’s Gate II save, not quite sure what class to use though but I’m fairly certain I’ll be of the evil persuasion. Probably give myself another go-through in Vampire: The Masquerade, Bloodlines as a Tremere or Toreador. I didn’t feel as pleased as I thought I’d be playing a slightly psychotic Malkavian the first time around.
Still teaching myself Ren’Py to try and create a Visual Novel of my own even though I can’t draw to save my life. The ADRIFT engine is far simpler to use for a strictly text-based thing but the free version is too limited. I’d delve into Tsuruku but it’s in Japanese and I can’t understand a word of it.
And don’t even ask about my personal life because, frankly, it barely exists anymore.
Ah well. Until next time, kiddies. Remember…
Big Brother is watching you.
Being unemployed (again) sucks. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not the least bit bitter about my being fired for failing the ACE exam. I’m bitter about a little something else – the way the test was graded made me (and the others who failed) seem like idiots. We’re not. We’ve passed through tests and assessments far tougher than ACE, just not with the same insane standards and, now that I think about it, somewhat nonsensical goals.
We were supposed to be offering Technical Support. Over the phone. You know the drill. Help stupid people fix small, nonsensical ‘issues’ (as they prefer we call them) that, more often than not, require only common sense. Given that, does it really matter if we’re talking faster than 150 words per minute? Is it really all that important that we pronounce $29.95 as twenty-nine ninety-five and not properly (twenty nine dollars and ninety five cents)? Does it really matter if we are exchanging the ‘th’ sound with a ‘d’ or ‘t’ sound? I dare say it isn’t. It doesn’t matter, so long as we can get the point across and we can talk the customer into solving their tech problem.
If you consider it, emulating an accent isn’t important in that line of work at all. It’s just an accent, people! What one should be careful of and wary of is one’s knowledge of technical details and procedures. That is where the assessments should be so critical and so detail-oriented and having so many ridiculous strictures and regulations, not the accent training. But no! From the way things are, it feels like that’s what they think really matters. Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. If you want tech support people speaking near-perfect American English with the accent included, then don’t outsource!
However, for all it’s worth, I had a good time during those 2 weeks. I met some good people that I’ll consider friends for life. I’m happy for those who passed even though I didn’t. I’m pleased that so many of them managed to get through. I’m happy because we all had a great time together and I really think I made a close friend or two among the ranks of Wave 3.3. To Da Benjie, Rami, Thea and the others that made it through the eye of the needle, my congratulations to you. I hope to see you all again.
Pag-sweldo nyo, manglibre naman kayo!
[Gripe Ends Here]
Moving on to happier things…
My being fired has given me more time to write. My experience and my friends over at Wave 3.3 gave me two literary gifts. The first is an idea that started out as nothing more than an in-joke among the class. By the end of the first week however, it had grown into so much more. For those monitoring my website, you’ve probably already picked up on the video download. Beware for The Da Benjie Code is coming. U R Not E. The other is a long, long list of potential characters based off of my friends. They may not all be as easy to assimilate into fiction as the others are but a few…might recognize themselves in my work if I ever get it published or they somehow get a copy of it.
Having more time to write is a double-edged sword. I have the time but not the prerequisite fire and inspiration to do so. I find myself falling back to Vampires, an old favorite staple of mine in my imagination. I’m trying to go for a Modern Gothic style but I’m having difficulty with it – the Philippine Islands are not very good for Gothic work and thought. I’m delving deeper and deeper into the style of Vampire: The Masquerade and Vampire: The Requiem, as well as older references such as Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Le Fanu’s Carmilla, to try and get a feel of how I want it done, of how it should be done. It’s starting to become a slight obsession with me and I’m determined to slip in a little bit of Wave 3.3’s influence into it in some way, shape or form. Doing that would make it un-Gothic however, so I still need to ponder on how to re-shape it.
As for me personally, I’m caught in a bit of a sinkhole. Alone, deprived of income and rather disappointed at myself, bitter over things and drawing deeper and deeper into a state of mind I thought I’d never have to draw into, I feel…empty. I wanted to get to know this girl better but let the chance slip through my fingers. I have her digits on my phone but…spineless coward that I’ve become, I can’t even punch in a few keys and let her know I exist. Asking advice isn’t a healthy thing for me. Somehow I always listen and it somehow screws up. I’ll figure things out soon but for now, I’ll be busy trying to talk myself into just trying to get to know her better. Like I said, I’ve become spineless in regards to women I’m attracted to but not necessarily to ones I find attractive. There is a big difference on those two things for me.
Back to work now, I suppose.
