To Slay The Beast

I'm in a random mood today, so...

I hear the higher-ups of Intelligraph Corporation (Worst. Employer. Ever.) have decided to block several social networking sites. Now, I'll be the first to admit that this isn't at all uncommon as a practice, particularly in call centers. However, that's because of the nature of the work. In the case of the good people I left behind at my former workplace, social networking sites like Friendster, Bloggger, and Multiply are their only lifeline out of the Intelligraph pit of filth. At least, they were when I was working there. Don't those two (Gene "Hitler" Cruz and Irene "Stalin" Cruz) realize that they're killing the already low morale of their writers?

Of course not! They're idiot! They wouldn't recognize the truth even if it hit them right in the face with a left hook! Seriously. The last time I saw people that dense was watching that atrocious abomination of a show called Pokemon.

I realize I'm still ranting about a company I used to work for and that it has been a long time since I was last there, but still. That place gave me the writer's equivalent of an anal violation for each and every day I was there. That place drained my mind dry of a lot of creative and literary potential with the excessively, obscenely high quota and the atrociously low pay. I realize my own stupidity for actually staying there, but there has to be a certain point when you're not the only one to blame.

I'll freely admit that I've complained about my previous employers before. e-PLDT, Ambergris, EduNara, and even TeleTech got their fair share of whining real estate on this blog. I'll also freely admit that every place I've ever worked in, no matter how short, I've learned something. Even from the infamously badly managed Intelligraph, I learned a thing or two. However, there is something that makes Intelligraph infamous, something that makes the management style of Gene and Irene Cruz stand out as the worst single office I've ever had the displeasure of being in. You see, unlike my previous companies, Intelligraph shares a trait with the city of Makati when I think about it.

Like Makati, I hate Intelligraph.

Anyway, moving along...

Darkness & Stars is moving along nicely. I'm on Chapter 21 as we speak, which is a significant improvement from when I last talked about that story. I realize that the going is slow, particularly in comparison to March 2007 (the time when I started work on this thing), but at least I'm still working on it. At this point, I've abandoned all hope of this ever becoming more than a Net-archived story, but that was never really the point of the story. The point of this story was that I felt that the story was something that both deserved to be told and needed to be told. So I continue working on it, even though I'm pretty sure the master file of it is going to reach 2 or 3 megabytes in size, go into the 500-pages or above range, and become the last, great work of fiction I'll ever write.

Make no mistake, I intend to continue writing, but I doubt I'll ever achieve the same level of dedication that I have when Darkness & Stars is what I'm working on.

Speaking of alternate projects, do any of you remember my fascination with succubi? Of course you do! I mean, Morrigan Aensland is still one of my favorite female characters of all time, standing alongside the likes of Katsura Kotonoha and Suzumiya Haruhi. Well, I think it is about damn time that I revisited my old "succubus in a high school" concept again. I think I've got a good idea to work with this time, particularly with mixing in my own interpretation and twist on the succubus myth, as well as a few Lovecraftian elements.

More on this when I finish the characters and plot outline.

With that, I bid you adieu. I'll be back when the winds carry me back here.

Odd, This.

For reasons I cannot be bothered to really explain, I am not fond of poetry. Make no mistake, I appreciate the effort required to compress (or expand, as the case may be) a single thought into something resembling the poem. I also have a deep appreciation for how much effort it takes to put words into the constricting structure of poetry, whether it be haiku, iambic pentameter, or whatnot. However, I simply lack the ability to really appreciate poetry itself. I have trouble, I guess, with evoking the necessary emotions and images in my mind when reading poetry. It fails to connect with me, you might say.

But, given recent events, I have come to find something. One poem does strike a chord with me. This has no connection with my recent personal tragedy or my generally dark outlook on life. The poem simply appeals to something inside me that I'm not quite sure how to describe. Anyway, the poem is Annabel Lee, by Edgar Allan Poe, master of American horror.

In lieu of anything of concrete value to put down here, permit me to quote his words.

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea:
But we loved with a love that was more than love —
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me —
Yes! — that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we —
Of many far wiser than we —
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling — my darling — my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

The poem has a dark beauty to it. It probably is the one poem in all literature that has managed to capture my interest purely as a poem and not as...something else. Anyway, do enjoy and...try not to let the mild implication of necrophilia affect you too much.

More Entertaining Than Fiction

There's an old, old adage that says "reality is stranger than fiction." While I don't know about the
"strange" bit, I have been given ample evidence to say that it might be. But that's not the point of this particular exercise. You see, in my pursuit of finding new and interesting times to waste my time with, I have bumped into a number of stories that my friends and contacts have divulged over the years. These can either be from their personal experience of how life can be so screwed sometimes, to tales they've heard from their friends. While most seem a little too run-of-the-mill to take notice of, there were a small number that really caught my attention as symbolic representations of just how odd life can get, not to mention just how good Destiny and Fate are at writing out plots.

Case#1: Why School Is Bad For You

I know a guy who is now penniless, living in a decrepit apartment his parents charge him rent for, and is lamenting his situation.

You see, during his college days, he managed to set up a rather successful (if small-scale) business. I won't divulge what the business was, but suffice to say that it didn't venture very far outside the original location. It wasn't a nation-wide thing, but it managed to turn in a decent profit while it was afloat.

However, due to some conflicts with the faculty and the fact that nobody could find his thesis, he was not allowed to graduate or obtain a diploma. With the diploma (and the degree it carries) being such an integral part of social interactions, he sought out to get it. During that time, he divided his attention between the business, his pursuit of his degree, and his new girlfriend.

Fast forward five years on. By this point, he's become completely obsessed in getting his Bachelor's Degree less as something he needs and more out of principle. About a year prior, he argued with his girlfriend about his need to calm down and forget about that stupid scrap of paper. They broke up days after said argument.

Eventually, he decides to just work on an entirely new thesis. He dedicates almost all of his waking hours to it, working on it to the point of maniacal obsession. Eventually, he finally gets his damned Bachelor's Degree. However, by that time, he's not only lost his business, but also all of his financial assets. Which prompted him to go into his current situation.

For an added twist of irony, he is now holds a Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration.

Case#2: Bizarre Love Story

I once knew a girl who was groomed to inherit a powerful, but illegal, business from her aunt. However, the stipulation in her aunt's will was that whoever was the oldest surviving sibling would take control. The will did not, of course, did not have any stipulations on whether or not foul play was going to disqualify a sibling. Indeed, the text subtly encouraged it.

Now, this girl didn't seem to think much of that stipulation, as she was intent on ignoring the family business and convincing her boyfriend to marry her and have kids. She loved him dearly and he was madly, madly in love with her. To the point that even after finding out she'd been involved in some truly unsavory deals and incidents (one of which was infamous in Philippine history), he wouldn't leave her. About the only thing he refused to do was consider the idea of having kids, but she was working on that.

Incidentally, said boyfriend was once the boyfriend of the girl's deceased older sister. Also incidentally, said older sister died by a rather mysterious car accident. Also, said girl has a younger sister that is also interested in the boyfriend, but is equally interested in pursuing their aunt's criminal enterprise.

Fairly recently, when the boyfriend rejected the younger sister's advances for the last time, the younger sister was visibly angry and distraught. About a week later, boyfriend wakes up to find that girlfriend has been shot repeatedly in the hallway in front of his apartment. A week after that, the younger sister drops by on the pretense of comforting him. Nobody sees her arrive and nobody sees him leave. However, he was found dead about a week later, apparently of a heart attack.

First Impressions: Ascend Asia

Well, if my experiences in Intelligraph failed to teach me anything, it is that blogging about my opinion on my workplace is a bad, bad idea. However, as I said, the company failed to instill that lesson in my head, so here I am again. This time, I thought I'd jot down my first impressions on my new place of employment; a happy little place called Ascend Asia.

So far, I think the place is a better working environment than Intelligraph ever was. For one thing, the superiors seem to know that writing can be a stressful and mentally taxing endeavor. Another is that the people running the show seem to understand that, ultimately, writers are human beings. Finally, the people running the company understand that, despite the peso putting up a stronger showing against the dollar in recent times, their employees are still going to need a decent amount of cash.

What does all this add up to?

First off, there's a much smaller "quota." The moment I mentioned the 2000-word daily quota I had to meet at Intelligraph, I could smell it. There was that look of absolute surprise on the guy's face when I mentioned that, and even more so when I started explaining how it worked! Apparently, the quota here is much lower and, interestingly enough, is closer to the industry standard. You see, from what I've just heard...there's a 10 article quota per team. Each team consists of roughly 5 people. Each article needed has to have a minimum of 400 words. In other words, I'm basically only pushing out 800 words a day. Sure, the topic is a little medical, but unlike a certain Intelligraph project, Ascend Asia's clients don't demand I pretend to be a dermatologist.

Second, the people that run the show are significantly friendlier. The primary supervisor of the department herself is a writer and still writes for the company. That means she's still in the trenches and is aware of what is going on there, unlike a certain dumbass named Gene Cruz. The ones that are higher up than her are not blind either, as they have a good grasp of how hard things are and, from what I've heard, don't burden the writers with more crap than they can handle.

Finally, it means I have a higher salary. I'm working for a significantly larger salary than my old job. I've done my research and my salary is actually the industry standard for people working in this field. That means I am no longer underpaid or made to work for dirt cheap simply because I love to write. The company also has more decent benefits than Intelligraph does, though I can't divulge what they are.

So what does this all mean? Simply put, this company looks to be a lot more fun than Intellicrap. Sure, the people aren't the ones that I'm familiar with, but that can change with time. The office doubles as a call center at night, so no more having to deal with the obscene heat when I get to the office. Contact with others on my team is typically done with Yahoo! Messenger, which means I no longer have to run and hide whenever I open up Gaim (yes, I'm still on Ubuntu, but other machines run XP with service pack 3). Finally, the chairs actually have decent back support.

I do dislike the fact that even if I'm done with my work, I can't go home. That's one of two things I know I'll miss about Intelligraph. The other being the people I worked with. That excludes the people who are supposedly running the company, obviously.

Obviously, this is just a bunch of first day observations. Things might change as I continue to observe more. I can be sure of one thing, though. Ascend Asia is definitely a better company than Intelligraph Corporation, no matter how you measure it or what standard you decide to compare the two with. I'd tell my former co-workers to just resign and move on (Ascend's people tell me they still have openings for writers and the more people there are, the less you have to write per day), but I prefer to leave that decision to them. I'm just doing what I've always done, which is say what's in my mind way too much.

Now, I'm not sure what to write next. If you've any interest at all in what entry I should do next, please drop a comment. Ideas are as follows:

1. Why Men Should Watch More Romantic Comedies
2. My early impressions of School Days
3. Random observations of Ascend Asia's working environment.

That's all for now, gits. Be back when I feel like it.

Apparently, I've Been Tagged

Normally, I don't do this sort of thing, as I see it as just another form of spam. Still, there's very little else for me to do and, seeing as I have the time, why not?

Three things that scare me:
1. Being all alone in a crowd.
2. Success. For various reasons.
3. Religion.

Three people who make me laugh:
1. David Letterman.
2. Politicians.
3. Religious preachers.

Three things I love:
1. My gadgets and computers.
2. Some anime.
3. The late Saturnina Lucrecia "Mint" Gonzales.

Three things I hate:
1. Religion.
2. Failure.
3. Not being able to contradict myself.

Three things I don’t understand:
1. Women. Now, I know men aren't wired to understand women, but I'm just saying.
2. Why religion isn't seen as the mass brainwashing and social conditioning program that it is.
3. Why people analyze problems, think of possible solutions, and implement the one that makes the least sense.

Three things on my desk:
1. My laptop.
2. My untranslated copy of the Japanese visual novel/hentai game School Days.
3. My authentic Swiss army knife.

Three things I am doing right now:
1. Blogging.
2. Downloading videos from YouTube.
3. Listening to every Hikaru Utada song there is.

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Publish a novel. Just one novel is all I ask, then you can shoot me.
2. To own a Russian T-34 and an F-14 Tomcat.
3. To visit Akihabara.

Three things I can do:
1. Lie through the skin of my teeth.
2. Figure out the behavior and tendencies of almost any software commercially available.
3. Reverse engineer Magic: The Gathering decks.

Three things I can’t do:
1. Cook. I seriously can't even boil water.
2. Teach. Anything.
3. Keep quiet when I smell incompetence.

Three things I think you should listen to:
1. The OST for "Once More, With Feeling" (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, season 6, episode 7)
2. The opening songs of Cheers and Friends. ("Where Everybody Knows Your Name" by Gary Portnoy and "I'll Be There For You" by The Rembrants, respectively)
3. Rage Against The Machine.

Three things you should never listen to:
1. Politicians.
2. Religious people.
3. Anything by Britney Spears.

Three things I would like to learn:
1. Write.
2. Reverse engineer software.
3. How to fake being a good employee.

Three favorite foods:
1. White chocolate.
2. Sashimi.
3. Strawberry ice cream.

Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. Beverly Hills 90210.
2. Saved By The Bell.
3. Striptease. The Demi Moore movie, obviously.

Three people I am tagging:
Sadly, I don't know that many people. Well, not people with blogs, anyway.

Bah Weep Gra-nah Weep Ninni Bong.

It's the universal greeting. Or so both the old Transformers movie and Illidan Stormrage, of Warcraft fame, claim. Anyway...

Still unemployed, but I do have one promising application. Yes, I know the place is in Makati and I've professed on more than one instance just how much I hate the city, but I deal. For one thing, the company seems to be significantly more stable than, say, Intelligraph Corporation. If that piece of crap company with a damned fool for a boss is stable for the long-term, I'm Joshua A. Norton, First and Last Emperor of the United States.

The environment is also highly modeled after a call center from what I've seen, which is fine with me. I come from a call center background, after all, and I really have no complains about that particular industry as a whole. A few grips here and there about the nature of the work, but that's just because I'm not really cut out for helping people over the phone. Or in person, for that matter. The work looks like it doesn't differ too much from what I used to write at my last job, though I can tell the compensation is much better and, at the very least, the people higher along the chain of command have some idea of what the front lines are up to.

But enough of that.

I honestly can't believe I missed out on learning that the anime version of School Days has hit Japanese airwaves. Thanks to my newfound DSL and Bittorrent, I intend to grab each and every episode of this wonderful show as they are fansubbed. I doubt that they'll go with one of the endings in the game and they will likely decide to pull out a mediocre ending that's for the show only, but if they do decide to take a game ending, I want it to be the Conclusion of Blood one. That's a fun way to end an anime, even if horrible, horrible things have to happen to poor Kotonoha for this ending to be made possible. Of course, barring that, there's always this ending, which is the one ending in the whole game (there are 20 possible endings) where the jerk of a main character gets what he deserves: a sharp knife to the gut.

Yes, I really plan on downloading each and every last episode of this show. And buying a pirated DVD as soon as it comes out. Maybe even an original box set, if it comes with cool extras. Like maybe a figurine of Kotonoha, complete with the saw she used to slit Sekai's throat. This is actually the first show I've ever wanted to willingly spend a lot of cash for an original copy of, not to mention be willing to download fansubbed episodes off the Net for. What can I say? School Days appeals to me, and not just because of the violent possible endings.

Now, let's see...I'm still working on Darkness & Stars, which is a lot of fun. I've finally managed to start Chapter 20, which means once that's done, I'm a third of the way to completing the single, longest story I've ever written. Even now, it's already a little over 200 pages and it's still growing. The sheer size of it is starting to scare me.

I'm still not quite sure how to follow it up once I somehow finish it, but I'm sure I'll have to go with something significantly smaller. Maybe a compilation of short stories? I've done that once before, in the form of The Midnight Carnival (PDF download, mates), but that one was mostly not up to my usual standards. In fact, most of the stuff I wrote starting around 2002 to late 2006 aren't really as good as my previous piece, with this being the sole exception.

I'm thinking of using a consistent high fantasy-style setting (like Tolkien's Middle-Earth) for the compilation, but I'd have to work on the details of said setting first. Maybe something Chinese/Japanese in theme and nature, seeing as how most fantasy works tend to draw from either Tolkien or European sources, which can be tiring to have to deal with on a repeated basis. I'll have to ponder that for a bit, let the idea marinade in my head for a while.

Let me get back to you on that.

Boredom, Katsura Kotonoha, and Photoshop

Being bored is generally not a good thing for me. It, like Intelligraph Corporation and the corporate world in general, kills my creativity. Fortunately, I've managed to rekindle my old interest in toying with Photoshop (in this case, Photoshop CS) during this period to stave off boredom.

Here are a few of the things I've cooked up. Nothing too major, just stuff done to pass the time. Standard "These images are not mine and I don't claim ownership, so don't sue me" disclaimers apply.






Images are:
Katsura Kotonoha, one of the female leads from the game School Days.
Suzumiya Haruhi, lead character of the Suzumiya Haruhi series of novels.
The logo from the film Battle Royale.
A wallpaper from the game Guild Wars.
A background shot from the official art for Noh-hime, from Samurai Warriors.

Concept: Young, Homicidal Love

I think every writer has a certain set of biases, prejudices towards certain concepts and genres and ideas. For example, prior to her re-assimilation into organized Christian religion, Anne Rice showed an interesting bias towards the macabre and odd, as exemplified by The Vampire Chronicles. Philippine fiction seems proliferated with a bias for realistic novels, the ones set in this day and age and don't deviate from the accepted norm.

What about me, you might ask? Well, I tend to be biased towards concepts more readily found in Japanese animation and, in some instances, in the novels of Haruki Murakami. However, I confess that I've always had a strong bias towards manipulating the concept of romance (along wiht the Japanese manga concept of shoujo) in my writing. I really don't like the nature of reality and prefer to mix in elements derived from whatever I could think of, be it science fiction or fantasy or whatnot.

However, in recent times, I've come to take one particular idea to heart in my recent writing. As exemplified by the primary theory for the Nepalese royal massacre, the right combination of youth, emotions mistaken for love, hormones, and psychological issues can result in eerie but entertaining tales. The Japanese game School Days and, to an extent, Shuffle!, also have elements in their stories that show this is a workable fiction concept. To an extent, the initial concept for my story Yuki's Diary (PDF download, folks) involved something similar.

With YD being the successful piece that it was, considering the environment and the location where it was posted, I think it is high time that I revisited the idea of young, homicidal love. I've got an idea that'll need some tweaking to work, but I think I can get started on the outline and characters while working on Darkness & Stars. Incidentally, that story contains elements of the above concept as well.

Of course, the tweaking process could take a while. Unlike Yuki's Diary, this isn't meant as a way to vent out issues and frustration. Unlike Darkness & Stars, this isn't meant to help me get back into The Game, as well as narrate a story so very dear to my heart (if only because of the source of it). In fact, this new idea might end up becoming symbolic of my selling out even my fiction writing to the Evil Capitalist Empire.

Yes, ladies and gents, this story might end up being written specifically to be published and marketed. So don't expect a lot of my trademark quirks and infamous potentially copyright violating references to pretty much whatever I can think of. Don't expect it to be all that good, either, as writing something of that sort basically involves me constraining myself. I don't do well constraining myself while writing.

In The Words Of Guns N' Roses

Take me down
To The Paradise City
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty


Gods, I love that song. Especially now. While I'm no closer to finding employment again, a recent interview did get me thinking. I've heard the whole "find work doing what you love" bit of advice before, to the point that I've gotten sick of it. However, how are you supposed to find a job writing fiction that, in several ways, simply isn't fit to publish? You just can't find a job like that, unless you know someone in the industry. Of course, that's assuming there is an industry to speak of, as this sort of concept is pretty alien to the average Joe on the Philippine streets.

There's always the chance of writing a book, though my chances of getting published are minimal. Mainly because the sort of stuff I write about is better suited for manga or graphic novels. I suppose I could try to get published, but I seriously doubt the merits of the story I'm working on now. For one thing, it isn't very geared towards the mentalities and tastes of the average Filipino, nor is it entirely normal.

My other idea has several merits, but the heavily Japanese style of the setting might turn people off. The core problem here is that Philippine fiction is predominated by realistic fiction and romance pocket books. There's very, very little room for stuff like science fiction, historical fiction, fantasy, and the like. Sure, there's room for it on TV, but I simply don't trust the medium that is television to convey the stuff I want to convey. There are just some aspects of the written word that don't translate well onto the small (or big) screen.

So where does that leave me? High and dry.

But I have given things some thought. I've come to assume that there is a possibility of me getting into the line of work that's a perfect fit for me, but there's very slim chances of that happening. So what do I do, then? Well, there's always the idea of finding a job that I can live with, which is different from a job that I'd love. Right now, I'm veering very close to the former rather than the latter, seeing as there are only a few places willing to accept a writer that doesn't have a degree in a field related to writing.

Academic talent and inclination is hardly an indication of literary talent and inclination. Of course, that bit of wisdom is rarely recognized in the Philippines. If you're working, your job determined your identity and what you are capable of. If you're job hunting, your background determined your identity and what you are capable of. Most companies simply choose to ignore the pure desire of someone to write in favor of finding someone with a related degree.

So here I am. I'll keep writing Darkness & Stars, if only because the story means something to me and it needs to be finished. As for my next project, that likely won't get off the ground soon. I'm still stuck in the planning stages, with no set title yet. Maybe a sudden hit on the head will inspire me, who knows?

Speaking of inspiration, some people have asked me how I manage to find inspiration. I've been wondering that myself. I'll have to put up the answer to that at some point, I suppose. Right after my proposed "Why Men Should Watch More Romantic Comedies" essay.

Contemplating Suicide

I wouldn't exactly say I'm suicidal. I've entertained the thought before, to be sure, but am I? True, I tend to imagine myself lying dead in a pool of my own blood, with my wrists slit. True, I often ponder the least painful and quickest way to just end it all and be done with life. True, I have spent days on end wondering why I even bother trying to claw out a meager existence amidst the abusive capitalist empire I serve. Whether or not I'm unemployed, I tend to think of ways to just kill myself, take the coward's way out. It just so happens that I'm angrier and more prone to suicidal thought when I'm jobless.

I guess this is brought about by a wide range of factors, but first and foremost, I am simply too unwilling to go on. I mean, there's never been much to look forward to in my life. I am unemployed and with no real prospects on the horizon. As if to drive that home, my mother is shoving down job opening after job opening and job fair after job fair down my throat. Little does she realize that, really, she's not helping matters much. She and her constant pressure aren't going to help me in finding a good job that I can stick with, which is what I'm doing. What she's forcing into my life are jobs I'll work for a contract period and then leave because they don't fit me. I'm trying to find work for the long run here, so quit with the pressure already!

Of course, she won't understand any of this. All that matters to her is that I'm working, out of the house for extended periods of time, and making money that she can shove down her pockets and use to buy her bags, shoes, and clothes. And pay for her many, many luxuries and conveniences too. All while under the pretense of handling my money for me.

The fact is, employed or not, I just want to die. I have just recently lost a girl that is easily my last great love. I still have her last gifts to me, my creative spark and an idea I can work with, but those are fading fast. I've got no "great future" ahead of me, as I'm not qualified enough for any sort of position that might be considered a step closer to that. I can't pursue what I want to pursue in life because I need money and what I want to do isn't able to make money for me.

There are days (constantly increasing ever since I turned 20, mind you) when I fail to understand why I'm still here. I don't have a purpose or goal in life. I don't even have the motivation needed to pursue that goal. I can help others find their goals, achieve their dreams, and find that one special person for them. But I can't find those same things for myself. Funny, isn't it? Everyone seems to either have a better life than I do or is handling their problems better than I do. And don't give me any of that "if he can do it, so can I" bullshit because I'm not that guy who strives and succeeds under great pressure and overwhelming tragedy. I'm the guy who crumbles under the strain and accepts that his house of cards has fallen apart.

I believe people keep working and keep living because they still want something. That perfect girl to marry. That insanely large paycheck that needs to be spent. That warm smile on your lover's lips. That next big hit in the market. That first big break into the world of published authors. We all want something and we live our lives to try and grab that elusive brass ring.

Except for me. I...can't think of anything I actually want.

I write, but I don't want to get published.

I work, but only because I have no other choice.

I live, but only because I fear the prospect of death. Even as I welcome it.

Funny, now that I think about it. I guess, in some ways, I am suicidal. I want to die. I want to feel what it feels like to lose my grip on this mortal coil, to let the fire grow dim amidst the onslaught of the darkness. I want to die because there's nothing here for me. I want to die because I've never had anything to prove and I have nothing to strive for. I want to die because I feel empty and hollow. I want to die because, to be honest with you, I just want to. I have nothing and no one to live for. No goals to pursue, no dreams to make come true, no great love to hold close, no life to leave behind.

So I'm just going to laugh. Because Gods help me, I am asking to be killed.

But am I going to do it? Am I going to kill myself?

I don't know. Weird, isn't it? I want to die, but I don't want to be the one to do it. Of course, if Fate doesn't give me a break soon, I guess I won't have much of a choice, will I?

Maybe I'll drop by a karaoke bar or something. Sing Sinatra's "My Way" and get myself killed.

I always wondered why I loved that song so much. Now I know.

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

A Precious Childhood Memory...Altered.

I’m not entirely sure how to feel about Transformers. No, not the old, classic TV series, but the new movie directed by the self-confessed non-fan, Michael Bay.

I’m a child of the 80s and I grew up watching the old cartoon, not to mention the original movie that involved the robot version of Galactus, Unicron. There were elements of that series and setting (like that very identifiable and very specific sound effect, and the rather refreshing lack of focus on humans) that I believe should be taken into consideration into any attempt to remake or modernize the old series. Plus, the core characters are solid personalities and, really, should not be tampered with or messed with.

You see, I just watched the movie (said to be a re-imagining of the old universe) and I have some rather mixed feelings and a total lack of solid opinions on the movie and how it treated the original source material. This is not a movie review, as I think the movie is an excellent action flick and has some good moments. No, this is more of a fan’s opinion of what this new take on an old concept manages to get right and wrong. All of this, of course, comes from the view of your typical Transformers (the original cartoons and film) fan.

The Bad:

1. The Autobot and Decepticon visual design. They look like agile, hulking robots, but had most of their armor in certain parts stripped off to reveal circuitry and internal systems. I realize that the designers were going for a more realistic look, but the general idea of their look is just…bad. Most of them look as if they had they rolled out of the production facilities of Cybertron a little short of being fully constructed.

2. Megatron’s new look. I can understand not going with the old and traditional form of Megatron. Transforming into a gun just wouldn’t be as cool in a movie that tries to go for realism than it was back in the original cartoon. However, I do feel the need to say that I am sorely displeased at his transformation. Megatron was a gun and I would have liked to have seen him as some sort of stationary futuristic cannon (like Galvatron) or an armored combat vehicle of some sort. Can’t say I’m that fond of the whole Cybertronian jet idea. Hopefully, if a sequel comes up, they’ll fix that.

3. The focus on humans. Part of the original show’s appeal was the distinct lack of focus on human characters. Spike Witwicky, who is arguably the main character of the movie (not the Transformers, ironically), was little more than a background characters. In many ways, he was the token human of the show and not entirely different from the token minority characters in a number of modern TV shows. The film’s focus on the human characters (none of whom are really all that memorable) is the worst aspect of it. Granted, the lead female serves as some serious eye candy, but that’s not enough, is it?

4. It isn’t easy to tell one machine from another. I had the hardest time trying to see which particular robot was an Autobot (or which Autobot it was) and which was a Decepticon. This, actually, was not really a problem during the calmer moments of the movie, but it wasn’t easy keeping score when the chaotic battle that serves as the film’s climax got rolling. About the only ones that was easy to identify would be Optimus Prime and Bumblebee. The former because messing with him and his look just shouldn’t be done and the latter because he’s on-screen a lot. Some of the camera angles can get a little confusing at times, too. Though, once you got used to it, it wasn’t that hard to tell the Decepticons apart from one another.

The Good:

1. The re-working of the story. I don’t agree with some of the reasons for altering the story of the Transformers and Cybertron, but I actually found this re-imagining of the original plot to be good. It lacks a number of the classic elements of the complex mythology of the old show, but then again, the new story works well enough. I mean, you can’t really compress that much background and history into the amount of time available for a movie. Rather confused with the decision to go for the All Spark and not the Matrix of Leadership, which is more familiar to fans.

2. Optimus Prime. Optimus fucking Prime. If there was one single character that I have to say that they managed to get as close to the original incarnation as possible, it was Optimus Prime. Sure, he doesn’t have his old trailer (which seemed to show up from out nowhere in the old show), but the core machine design is there. I think the flames were a bad touch and he doesn’t look as rock-solid as he did in the cartoon, but he retained the most of his original personality among the Autobots. He also kept his original voice, the bulk of his original design, and most of the coolness that he had. Of course, there wasn’t that much room for screwing him up considering how late she showed up.

3. Impressive Megatron versus Optimus Prime fight scene. These two acted as direct opposites of one another and as leaders of two opposing armies. There two of them really tore into each other in the film, destroying a lot of property and endangering countless lives in the process. I may not like the new look for Megatron, but you can’t deny that the fight between him and Optimus Prime is easily the best scene in the whole film. They even quoted a line from the original Transformers movie, which was both fitting and added a good nostalgic touch to the proceedings.

4. The spirit of the original Transformers has not been lost entirely. Despite the unpleasant re-design, the added attention to human characters, and the many changes made to the original story, the movie still retains enough of the old Transformers spirit to be a fun movie for an old fan like me. It isn’t the perfect conversion I’d hoped for and there are things I’d like changed for the better in possible sequels, but overall, it almost, almost felt like Transformers.

So there you have it. The movie is good, but does it really live up to the vaunted and treasured Transformers name? Almost, but not quite there yet (if you ask me), folks.