Reflecting Pool

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. I want my own thing!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna scream!

This...so frighteningly fits how I see myself nowadays. You see, I've come to understand that I've become a bit of a reflecting pool. The honest truth is that, for a long time now, I've not been sure what I wanted to do, or even if I wanted to do anything at all. I've come to end up reflecting what other people want me to do or be, or what appears to be that.

I don't work because I want to. I work because people around me expect me to, and to some degree, want me to hold down a job and become a contributing member of a society that honestly could not possibly care less about me. I work because I'm told I need to work, that I'm worthless unless I do. Note that these same people tell me I'm worthless even if I am working, which is hardly a good thing for my self-esteem, but that's not the topic here.

I've figured out I don't actually want anything out of life. Sure, I act like I do, and I often talk about how nice it would be if I had certain things or achievements, but deep down, I realize I don't want any of that. I do it because I feel I have to, because I'm expected to, and because people want it for me. But I don't want it for myself.

I've become a reflection of what people want from me, but have come to understand that, really, I don't want anything for myself. I manage to get by with the appearance of wanting things, but those are really little more than ways for me to keep myself occupied when I'm not doing anything else. All I can imagine myself wanting right now is the chance to take out my frustrations and my anger, preferably with as much violence and property damage as I can muster. Or scream, but the first option sounds more interesting.

It's quite a realization. To come to understand that you're essentially nothing, that you want nothing that you can truly claim to want for yourself...it's kind of unnerving. Leaves one feeling quite empty.