...is about location, location, location.
And right now, I really, really don't like my office's location. I've never liked having to go to work in locations too far from the MRT, and I especially don't like doing that in fucking Makati. I don't like the long walk, the excessive heat I have to endure on the way to work in the morning, and the unbearably slow and unreliable elevators in the building. Now, initially, I wanted to just sit back and see if I could make this ridiculously stupid new location work for me.
I'm almost at the end of my patience.
Granted, it isn't just the new location that's pissed me off. It's a lot of little things, not the least of which is the monotony I alluded to in my last entry. I've made myself stomach as much as I'm ever going to stomach. My natural laziness has made it hard for me to move from this moderately pleasant job, but I think it really is about time that I get the Hell out and find better openings.
Time to go hunting.
The Asylum Director
- VIIIofSwords
- "The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn't require any." - Russel Baker
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Drowning Sharks
Factoid: Sharks can drown. Sharks, with the exception of some species, are unable to float in water. If they stop moving, they tend to sink and drown. The movement of their bodies forces water through their gills, and allows them to breathe. In human terms, if they stop running, they choke to death. Interesting, isn't it?
Moving on, then.
I'm bored.
That's a bad thing.
Work has become a near-mindless repetition of things, and frankly, I'm so sorely tempted to find some way to break it. Options come down to getting into some sort of trouble or risking things and trying to find another job. Either one would provide much more excitement than the status quo. I need something to break up the monotony of work or I'll snap and do something inexplicably stupid, simply because it'll end the boredom for a while.
I can feel my mind starting to slowly rot little by little, possibly from lack of any serious use. I try to get into other projects to occupy my mind, exercise my creature urges, but it doesn't work. The problem with that strategy, you see, is that I might be applying it too late. I don't think I have it in me anymore, as my mind has become as lazy as the body. It's nearly impossible to motivate me to think of anything now.
I need to find some idea to occupy the part of my brain that writes before it rots away completely. As much as I like to blend into the background and go unnoticed, I'd rather not have that at the cost of my writing.
If this sounds familiar, it's because it's happened before. I endured this same problem at Intelligraph when the project assigned to me stuck with me for a little too long. The monotony and familiarity, along with the relentless repetition of the things that my mind works on, eventually left me feeling empty and depressed. Of course, it didn't help that I wanted to do some not-nice things to my former employer.
The situation now is very similar. I've gone past hatred of what I need to write and have managed to progress into outright apathy. I only do my job because it gets me money. I'm not motivated to really put as much effort into it as I should. I barely even really try or care to try any more. The fact is, I just...don't find any interest in this anymore. It feels cut and dry, and while I know the work isn't completely monotonous, it feels that way. By this point, how it feels matters more than the actual situation.
On the bright side, at least I don't hate my employer. Some of my co-workers, on the other hand...I'll refrain from commenting for now.
Honestly, who'd have thought writing for a living would kill my writing skills? I know I didn't expect it.
The creative mind, I think, is like a shark. It needs constant movement --- and the space to move --- or it'll just...well, drown.
Moving on, then.
I'm bored.
That's a bad thing.
Work has become a near-mindless repetition of things, and frankly, I'm so sorely tempted to find some way to break it. Options come down to getting into some sort of trouble or risking things and trying to find another job. Either one would provide much more excitement than the status quo. I need something to break up the monotony of work or I'll snap and do something inexplicably stupid, simply because it'll end the boredom for a while.
I can feel my mind starting to slowly rot little by little, possibly from lack of any serious use. I try to get into other projects to occupy my mind, exercise my creature urges, but it doesn't work. The problem with that strategy, you see, is that I might be applying it too late. I don't think I have it in me anymore, as my mind has become as lazy as the body. It's nearly impossible to motivate me to think of anything now.
I need to find some idea to occupy the part of my brain that writes before it rots away completely. As much as I like to blend into the background and go unnoticed, I'd rather not have that at the cost of my writing.
If this sounds familiar, it's because it's happened before. I endured this same problem at Intelligraph when the project assigned to me stuck with me for a little too long. The monotony and familiarity, along with the relentless repetition of the things that my mind works on, eventually left me feeling empty and depressed. Of course, it didn't help that I wanted to do some not-nice things to my former employer.
The situation now is very similar. I've gone past hatred of what I need to write and have managed to progress into outright apathy. I only do my job because it gets me money. I'm not motivated to really put as much effort into it as I should. I barely even really try or care to try any more. The fact is, I just...don't find any interest in this anymore. It feels cut and dry, and while I know the work isn't completely monotonous, it feels that way. By this point, how it feels matters more than the actual situation.
On the bright side, at least I don't hate my employer. Some of my co-workers, on the other hand...I'll refrain from commenting for now.
Honestly, who'd have thought writing for a living would kill my writing skills? I know I didn't expect it.
The creative mind, I think, is like a shark. It needs constant movement --- and the space to move --- or it'll just...well, drown.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Fiction: Withdrawal
Written by a friend who wishes to remain anonymous. Put up here by request.
------------------------------------------------------------
I miss you...
She can barely contain her emotions, but she understands she has to.
She believes letting them out isn't an option. She can only begin to imagine what it'd feel like to openly admit how badly she wants her lover back, to feel that soft touch and taste those supple lips again. She wants to be held, to be touched, to be tasted. But mostly, she just wants her lover back. The sensation, the desire, the overwhelming need gnaws at her constantly. She tries desperately to hold the torrent in, to keep the emotions contained, to hold the line separating the public mask and the real woman behind it.
But you see, it's not quite enough. Nor that simple.
Is she upset? Our last conversation really end so well...
She worries. Worries quite a bit. Worries over the littlest things.
It is in her nature, to be frank about it. She worries and she questions and she doubts. External factors frustrated her last they talked, and she didn't quite realize that she'd ended it on such a sour, mildly unhappy note. She didn't realize until too late that their last conversation was going to be their last for a while. She chides herself, lashes her mind for not realizing how upset her lover seemed at her decision to just end the conversation and leave. She should have seen it, she tells herself.
She's tried to make up for it, of course.
She's sent little things. Private messages on the forums they frequented before she left, numerous e-mail messages, and --- despite the stupidity of it --- messages on her AIM while she was clearly offline. She should have known better. In fact, she did know better. For the next several weeks, she might as well not have existed. Still, stubborn girl that she was, she kept going.
I'm sure she'll appreciate these when she gets back. Won't she?
She keeps writing letters. She keeps sending them. She knows that her lover won't be able to read them yet, won't even know they exist for a few weeks, at the very least. Still, she is stubborn. Still, she is persistent. So she writes and writes and writes, afraid of rambling on and on about the most pointless of topics, yet aware that she needs to keep writing about things. She knows she shouldn't ramble, but she feels that her lover would appreciate a letter that wasn't short and succinct, that the message was long and heartfelt and...well, the right word seemed to escape her.
It didn't matter.
It won't matter what she says, because somewhere, she knows her lover would be pleased to know that she sent something. Anything. It would have kept her lover from feeling lonely, the thought that someone was waiting for her to come back. That someone cared enough and thought about her enough to send messages that might never be read.
Still, she tries so hard not to ramble.
She'll come back. She promised me she'll come back. To me.
She believes it wholeheartedly. Her lover will come back. Sure, things might not be exactly the same as before, but her lover will come back. Her lover will come back, hold her tight and safe, and whisper words in her ears that will mean nothing at all to others, but will mean the world to her. Simply because they came from her lover's precious lips, spoken in her lover's gentle voice.
Yet, sometimes...
Sometimes...
She takes a deep breath, and reminds herself not to falter.
I love you, baby.
She does. She loves with the hopeless devotion and devoted hopelessness that characterizes women so deeply, madly in love. It devours her every thought, taking her attention side by side with memories and images of her lover. She's become used to the contact, to the sharing of attention, to the constant presence. She's accustomed to it, has come to crave the sensation and the truth of being loved.
She tries so hard to hide one awful little fact.
Come back soon, baby. I'm...I'm...
Without you here, I'm...I...
Please. Come back soon. I don't think I can...I'll try to hold it in, but...
Without her lover...
...it hurts without you.
She's falling apart.
------------------------------------------------------------
I miss you...
She can barely contain her emotions, but she understands she has to.
She believes letting them out isn't an option. She can only begin to imagine what it'd feel like to openly admit how badly she wants her lover back, to feel that soft touch and taste those supple lips again. She wants to be held, to be touched, to be tasted. But mostly, she just wants her lover back. The sensation, the desire, the overwhelming need gnaws at her constantly. She tries desperately to hold the torrent in, to keep the emotions contained, to hold the line separating the public mask and the real woman behind it.
But you see, it's not quite enough. Nor that simple.
Is she upset? Our last conversation really end so well...
She worries. Worries quite a bit. Worries over the littlest things.
It is in her nature, to be frank about it. She worries and she questions and she doubts. External factors frustrated her last they talked, and she didn't quite realize that she'd ended it on such a sour, mildly unhappy note. She didn't realize until too late that their last conversation was going to be their last for a while. She chides herself, lashes her mind for not realizing how upset her lover seemed at her decision to just end the conversation and leave. She should have seen it, she tells herself.
She's tried to make up for it, of course.
She's sent little things. Private messages on the forums they frequented before she left, numerous e-mail messages, and --- despite the stupidity of it --- messages on her AIM while she was clearly offline. She should have known better. In fact, she did know better. For the next several weeks, she might as well not have existed. Still, stubborn girl that she was, she kept going.
I'm sure she'll appreciate these when she gets back. Won't she?
She keeps writing letters. She keeps sending them. She knows that her lover won't be able to read them yet, won't even know they exist for a few weeks, at the very least. Still, she is stubborn. Still, she is persistent. So she writes and writes and writes, afraid of rambling on and on about the most pointless of topics, yet aware that she needs to keep writing about things. She knows she shouldn't ramble, but she feels that her lover would appreciate a letter that wasn't short and succinct, that the message was long and heartfelt and...well, the right word seemed to escape her.
It didn't matter.
It won't matter what she says, because somewhere, she knows her lover would be pleased to know that she sent something. Anything. It would have kept her lover from feeling lonely, the thought that someone was waiting for her to come back. That someone cared enough and thought about her enough to send messages that might never be read.
Still, she tries so hard not to ramble.
She'll come back. She promised me she'll come back. To me.
She believes it wholeheartedly. Her lover will come back. Sure, things might not be exactly the same as before, but her lover will come back. Her lover will come back, hold her tight and safe, and whisper words in her ears that will mean nothing at all to others, but will mean the world to her. Simply because they came from her lover's precious lips, spoken in her lover's gentle voice.
Yet, sometimes...
Sometimes...
She takes a deep breath, and reminds herself not to falter.
I love you, baby.
She does. She loves with the hopeless devotion and devoted hopelessness that characterizes women so deeply, madly in love. It devours her every thought, taking her attention side by side with memories and images of her lover. She's become used to the contact, to the sharing of attention, to the constant presence. She's accustomed to it, has come to crave the sensation and the truth of being loved.
She tries so hard to hide one awful little fact.
Come back soon, baby. I'm...I'm...
Without you here, I'm...I...
Please. Come back soon. I don't think I can...I'll try to hold it in, but...
Without her lover...
...it hurts without you.
She's falling apart.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Look! A Meme!
Normally, I don't buy into memes (certain exceptions apply, but generally not here), but I've got nothing better to do anyway. So here we go.
(A) Four places I go over and over:
1. Office. - to quote Blink 182: "Work sucks. I know."
2. House. - this ought to be obvious
3. Those 4 malls in Makati that are connected to one another and the MRT station - because, you know, I pass through them every day on the way home
4. Neutral Grounds in Greenhills - Magic: the Gathering. 'Nuff said.
(B) Four people who email me regularly:
1. Jobstreet - a wise man once told me that you should never close all your doors, because opportunity doesn't break into houses
2. The In Nomine Mailing List - because I signed up for it because, you know, I play the game when I have the chance
3. N/A
4. N/A
(C) Four of my favorite places to eat:
1. Pizza Hut - for the pizza
2. Chef d'Angelo. - I like me my pasta
3. Burger King - the steakhouse burger
4. Home - do I have to explain this, or do people understand the value of a home-cooked meal?
(D) Four places I'd rather be:
1. Rome, Italy - the heart of what was once the most dominant empire the Western world has ever seen
2. Kyoto, Japan - because I have always been fascinated by Japanese history and Shinto, and Kyoto is the spiritual center of Japan
3. Paris, France - one place: Notre Dame de Paris
4. The British Museum in Cairo, Egypt - I dabble in Egyptology every once in a while
(E) Four people I think will respond:
1. Not a one. Anyone I know that would respond either already has, or is the one that sent me this in the first place
2. Okay, maybe Digital Buryong, a.k.a. Richard
3.
4.
(F) Four TV shows I could watch over and over:
1. MacGyver - I'm a child of the 80s, and I grew up watching this, so it be nostalgic, mates
2. Mythbusters - fun and educational at the same time, not to mention very interesting
3. Gakuen Utopia Manabi Straight - potentially the most heart-warming show I've seen in a long, long time, and one of the few anime I'd re-watch for fun, rather than to catch details in the animation
4. A toss-up between Farscape and Babylon 5 - perhaps the two best sci-fi series/franchises ever created, and both ended up canceled while garbage like Star Trek keeps chugging along
Hmm.
(A) Four places I go over and over:
1. Office. - to quote Blink 182: "Work sucks. I know."
2. House. - this ought to be obvious
3. Those 4 malls in Makati that are connected to one another and the MRT station - because, you know, I pass through them every day on the way home
4. Neutral Grounds in Greenhills - Magic: the Gathering. 'Nuff said.
(B) Four people who email me regularly:
1. Jobstreet - a wise man once told me that you should never close all your doors, because opportunity doesn't break into houses
2. The In Nomine Mailing List - because I signed up for it because, you know, I play the game when I have the chance
3. N/A
4. N/A
(C) Four of my favorite places to eat:
1. Pizza Hut - for the pizza
2. Chef d'Angelo. - I like me my pasta
3. Burger King - the steakhouse burger
4. Home - do I have to explain this, or do people understand the value of a home-cooked meal?
(D) Four places I'd rather be:
1. Rome, Italy - the heart of what was once the most dominant empire the Western world has ever seen
2. Kyoto, Japan - because I have always been fascinated by Japanese history and Shinto, and Kyoto is the spiritual center of Japan
3. Paris, France - one place: Notre Dame de Paris
4. The British Museum in Cairo, Egypt - I dabble in Egyptology every once in a while
(E) Four people I think will respond:
1. Not a one. Anyone I know that would respond either already has, or is the one that sent me this in the first place
2. Okay, maybe Digital Buryong, a.k.a. Richard
3.
4.
(F) Four TV shows I could watch over and over:
1. MacGyver - I'm a child of the 80s, and I grew up watching this, so it be nostalgic, mates
2. Mythbusters - fun and educational at the same time, not to mention very interesting
3. Gakuen Utopia Manabi Straight - potentially the most heart-warming show I've seen in a long, long time, and one of the few anime I'd re-watch for fun, rather than to catch details in the animation
4. A toss-up between Farscape and Babylon 5 - perhaps the two best sci-fi series/franchises ever created, and both ended up canceled while garbage like Star Trek keeps chugging along
Hmm.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Tired, Angry, Frustrated
I hate Makati.
This is no secret. I have been mentioning how much I despise Makati for a long, long time now. The entire city is just one convoluted mess, filled with more buildings and towers than anyone can possibly care to imagine. All the roads and alleys and the streets just annoy me to no end. It doesn't help that the city is just so inconveniently far from where I am, to the point where I'm willing to turn down any job that puts me in that blasted, accursed city. And earlier today, I just added another small even that makes me loathe this blasted city even more than I already do.
You see, as you may or may not now, my office was supposed to have transferred to another building recently. Earlier this morning, according to the last bit of information given to me, I was supposed to report for work in the new building. Which, by the way, is TOO FUCKING FAR. And when I get there, I'm tired and eager to just sit down, relax for a few minutes, and maybe --- just maybe --- get to work. But as I get out of the elevator and look around, I realize something.
Nothing is ready.
I talk a bit and end up finding out that work is still at the old office because the move hasn't been completed yet. I would have been fine with this, had someone actually told me I wasn't supposed to go there yet. That pisses me off.
Honestly. How hard is to to send one text message over a long weekend to tell your employees that no, we haven't moved offices yet? God damn it. An hour and a half of walking down the drain. Hour and a half I could have spent on more productive things.
Bah. Enjoy the picture.
This is no secret. I have been mentioning how much I despise Makati for a long, long time now. The entire city is just one convoluted mess, filled with more buildings and towers than anyone can possibly care to imagine. All the roads and alleys and the streets just annoy me to no end. It doesn't help that the city is just so inconveniently far from where I am, to the point where I'm willing to turn down any job that puts me in that blasted, accursed city. And earlier today, I just added another small even that makes me loathe this blasted city even more than I already do.
You see, as you may or may not now, my office was supposed to have transferred to another building recently. Earlier this morning, according to the last bit of information given to me, I was supposed to report for work in the new building. Which, by the way, is TOO FUCKING FAR. And when I get there, I'm tired and eager to just sit down, relax for a few minutes, and maybe --- just maybe --- get to work. But as I get out of the elevator and look around, I realize something.
Nothing is ready.
I talk a bit and end up finding out that work is still at the old office because the move hasn't been completed yet. I would have been fine with this, had someone actually told me I wasn't supposed to go there yet. That pisses me off.
Honestly. How hard is to to send one text message over a long weekend to tell your employees that no, we haven't moved offices yet? God damn it. An hour and a half of walking down the drain. Hour and a half I could have spent on more productive things.
Bah. Enjoy the picture.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Castle of Cards
This is the Doomgape, my current favorite card in Magic: the Gathering.
Also the symbol of the insanity that's going on with my card collection. You see, I have more cards than I really know what to do with. A large number of them are garbage, like the card collections of pretty much any casual Magic player. Granted, my collection is actually a really small one, but I still don't have a whole lot of room for it. I can only imagine it'd be much, much worse if I could find the cards I managed to pile up from the last time I was really active in Magic, back in high school. Man, that was about three times the size of what I have now.
In an effort to alleviate the problem of having too many unused cards, with a number among them being basic lands, I decided to see if I could build a deck or two out of them. Just for kicks, you know? In the end, aside from my black/green hybrid deck (built out of the cards included in the Eventide Death March precon) and my pure green Elf token deck, I ended up with two more. There's also a third that might come along, which is both a new version of my old black deck and a modified version of the Eventide Life Drain precon.
After much digging, I managed to come up with at least one not-completely crappy deck. A white weenie that has a touch of red in it, of all things. Mostly Kamigawa block, and making heavy use of the Bushido ability. In reality, it isn't a new deck as it is a revival of an older deck, minus the limited burn capability. In exchange, I believe I gave it the ability to boost the power of the creatures in it more. Not entirely sure. I could have just simply added more samurai. I do know that Enduring Renewal and Debtor's Knell were not in the original version - though the two make for a potent combo if you can get them both in play.
Planning on making a black/red deck a little later, to find a home for my copies Demigod of Revenge, Ashenmoor Gouger, and Ashenmoor Liege - along with any other useful black/red hybrid cards that didn't end up in my brother's black/red elemental wither deck. Probably give it plenty of cheap weenies, like goblins and such. I suppose it can serve as a home to my now-displaced Black Knight and Knight of Stromgald cards.
Of course, there's the black/white deck I'm planning. That one's barely complete, and I know I need a few more cards to finish it. However, I also know there are some cards I want to put in there, but am not sure if I can figure out what needs to be taken out to make them all fit. There is also a card that fits the concept of the black/white I'm building very well, but the casting cost is too high for it and it also forces me to remove four other cards that might be useful. That's four cards that'll end up unused and stuck in a box until I decide to tweak one deck or the other again.
All because I got back into the game and now can't dig myself out. Still, it is quite fun, and it gives me something to ponder aside from work and other things that I'd rather not dwell on.
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