And though I had slain a thousand foes less one,
The thousandth knife found my liver;
The thousandth enemy said to me,
'Now you shall die,
Now none shall know.'
And the fool, looking down, believed this,
Not seeing, above his shoulders, the naked stars,
Each one remembering.
--John M. Ford, The Final Reflection

The Asylum Director

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"The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn't require any." - Russel Baker

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Somehow, I Can't...

I'm bored.

Really bored.

I'm still learning how to make IE mods, though my original plans for the mod NPC I plan to make have changed considerably since I first thought them up. That, and I'm now wondering how hard it would be to convincingly write Aribeth de Tylmarande (from Neverwinter Nights) in Baldur's Gate II. Such an idea is an exercise is masochism, though I find the notion strangely appealing. I don't know. Maybe it is just me...

In any case, still dragging my Paladin (Inquisitor kit) around Amn, for no other reason than the fact that I feel like doing so. Barring my first run through the game, this current install is my most bare-bones installation yet. So far, I've only installed the patch, the Baldurdash fixpack, a few components from Ease-Of-Use, and the Saerileth romance mod. No, I didn't find the Valen NPC mod to be appealing to me, even if my female characters end up becoming some of the most vile beauties in the Realms. I really wish Spellhold Studios would finally finish The Mod For The Wicked, as my evil characters really need more options in the game. Though I feel oddly inclined to pick up Neverwinter Nights (plus the expansions, Shadows of Undrentide and Hordes of the Underdark), even though I'm not a big fan of some of the changes 3rd edition made, like Half-Elves becoming Paladins and the ability to cast spells while wearing armor.

In the anime scene, I'm being insane and re-watching Galaxy Angel, season 3 and Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu, as well as sneaking in an episode of Gakuen Alice here and there. I'm thinking of grabbing Happy Lesson or Kashimashi one of these days, though I'm not entirely sure which one to grab first. Or maybe I should finally get around to watching xxxHOLiC, which has been sitting on my "To Watch" pile of DVDs for weeks now.

As for my writing, everything has stalled. Part of me is tempted, sorely tempted to just quit trying to write a novel altogether, as I'll never see it in print anyway. However, most of me is persistent in the notion that all I need is the right theme, the right idea to let the words fly out. For the time being, the idea floating in my head is sci-fi-ish, thoguh with heavy elements of fantasy thrown in, considering that one of the major characters is, literally, the all-powerful but detached deity of the universe. I've also got a few minor projects in mind, though nothing of any real consequence. Sadly, work is eating up my creative energies to the point that when I come home, I just want to sit back and let my Paladin use Carsomyr to carve up a bunch of corrupt mages while having the most evil laugh a Paladin can possibly have. Or watch my Chaotic Neutral Half-Elf Fighter/Thief carve up every single person in the Copper Coronet with Angurdaval and Blackrazor. Yes, I use Shadowkeeper to give my evil/Chaotic Neutral characters the good stuff, but I have the good guys work for their items.

On the topic of work, I feel like I'm starting to burn out. Or maybe I'm starting to get sick of what I'm being asked to write, I'm not sure. However, I do know there are only so many times you can change your angle or outlook on a topic before you feel the urge to bang your head on a wall repeatedly. I feel like I'm starting to dumb down because of the repetitiveness of the project, though part of me is thankful for the consistency of having a stable project.

I know. I can always quit and go back to taking calls. Right. Sure. That'll be the day. If money was my only motivation, I'd never have left my old Ambergris job. However, if I stayed there, I'd hate myself and my work, so I left. I've come to realize that I don't just need a good salary, I need to actually like my job too. That being said, I won't push out the option of taking calls again out of my mind. If nothing else, my home environment is going to force me to consider that option every few weeks or so, anyway.

My social life? It doesn't exist. Apart from the fact that I've managed to locate an old friend again, nothing new. I still don't feel any sort of real connection with my co-workers, I've lost touch with my old co-workers, I'm detached from my family, and I find myself withdrawing deeper and deeper into my thoughts to find solace. That, despite the fact that I'm well aware of the fact that I don't need any solace right now. The "gloom and doom" mentality is nothing new to me, either. My mental state is confusing, which is the way it has been since high school. So why do I feel as if something's out of place, that something's gone awfully, awfully wrong but I have no idea what?

In other news, computer mice hate me. My mouse at home is over-sensitive and double-clicks by itself. My mouse at work clicks unresponsively and doesn't move properly. I now also despise Ubuntu Linux.

I better get back to work. Or eat something.

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